"the past can hurt,but the way i see it,you either run from it or learn from it."

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I Love You by Ili Alia Mohd. Salleh


This entry is for Allahyarhamah Nur Hidayah Binti Noraziz. this is me feelings for her that I've never showed or tell to anyone before. I will try not to cry while writing this. so here goes..

I first met you in 2009, in mid February. I don't know you because I was a newbie, and I didn't know you were sick at that time. But somehow a teacher came to our class and told us about you. that you're one year older than us and that we should take good care of you, especially your leg because you had just gone through surgery. She told us that you were supposed to be in Form 5, but due to your illness, you had to skip school for a year. I remembered that you sat next to Syarifah and Hamizah, A'in and I would come to see you just to know you better. We got along really well and we became close friends ever since. Kak Dayah. that was what we called you. you insisted that we should treat you like friends that are the same age. but we refused! because you're older than us and we're not used to calling you by your name. I remember that. I remember every single thing about you.

I remembered when it was just between you and I in the class because the other three were always busy with archery. we always had fun with each other. we always had games to play and things to talk about. one time, I was having trouble with Add Maths. you accompanied me to our favourite toilet, the back toilet. and I cried in front of you, I was having a hard time and you were there trying to console me not to cry and that you'll teach me add maths. I was happy, I appreciated that. you taught me a lot of things. things in life that we usually take for granted, even the smallest things. you told us many things about yourself, about your illness more than anyone should know. because we were there for you. we were always there.

I always made you happy. I had my own version of Katy Perry Hot & Cold just for you. it was only just between the two of us. and the x-o-x-o game that we used to write in your pink heartsy book. and your very small notebook just to keep our scores. and your talking pooh bear keychain. your electronic dictionary. everything. the five of us loves to hangout and eat at Ar-Rayyan. we always ordered so many food until we were too full to eat. Kak Dayah loves the lasagna so much, do you guys remember that? I was always the banker or ceti (: I liked holding your hands because it was strong. because it was tender and loving just like you. you never showed us that you were in pain. and I adore you for that.

The last lunch we had together, you told us that the doctor gave you six months to live. you told us very calmly, like it was nothing and you even told us just to forget it and not tell anyone about it. because only the doctor, you, your mom and angah knew. I was in shock. I was about in the verge to cry. but seeing you all happy, I couldn't cry. I wouldn't cry in front of you. I didn't want you to be sad. I remembered we laughed out loud. we had fun. but I didn't know that it will happen this fast. I was prepared for the worst, but I didn't know it would be this fast. we knew that you went to Sabah, and that you were fine. but the worst happened. you've gotten so sick and we didn't know! not until teachers came to us and said that you were critical and that we should visit. and so we did.

25th January 2010. that was the last time we saw you. you were in so much pain that I couldn't help but to cry. I couldn't bear seeing you in so much pain. you were on oxygen and you looked frail, so very thin from your already thin body. I couldn't help it. I was in denial. I thought I was dreaming when I saw you dying. I didn't know. you held my hand as tight as you could. you remembered me. you remembered us. and when you wished that we all say our full name, we did. and when it was my turn, you told me that my voice sounded different. and I cried even more. I held your hand, I looked into your eyes and I saw tears coming down. I held your hand and I never knew that it would be the last. I kissed your hand, I didn't want to let it go. but I had to because you said you wanted to rest. I left you with a heavy heart, I really didn't want to leave. and then I went home, hopeful that I will see you again tomorrow.

26th January 2010, 9.09pm. you went to meet ALLAH. you left us, it was time to go. I was heartbroken. I got the news right after I finished my class. I told mom and dad, and then I went to my room. I called A'in and Syarifah asking if they were okay. but I wasn't. I cried so much because it felt so surreal. my sister came to me and we read Surah Yaasin together for you. I was so sad, I cried until I fell asleep. I never knew that it would be this fast. I never knew that it would be the last time seeing you alive. I couldn't believe it, I couldn't even think of it.

27th January 2010. it was early in the morning. in the class, Syarifah was sweeping the floor. I thought to myself, why isn't she crying? why hasn't she hugged me yet? A'in went to help her. but I went outside, trying to get myself together, trying to be strong. but then I heard sobbing and I knew that they were crying. I cried too, because it was too hard to control. we then went to see the Principal just to ask permission to go and see you for the last time. permission granted. and then there was an announcement saying that you passed away. everyone prayed their prayers for you. I cried harder. and as we walked to your house, I regain control of myself. Syu was with me, all the way along the journey. as I entered the house, I could smell you. Tiqah immediately hugged me, I knew how she felt. I hugged her back because she is apart of you, and I told her to be strong. She hugged me harder. and I cried hard, very hard. a teacher told us to come upstairs to read you Surah Yaasin. I went first into your room. and I saw you, lying there and covered with white cloths. I sat and read the surah besides Syu. I cried while reading because I couldn't help it. and then you were brought down, to be seen by the others. we followed. I sat silently, waiting for the others to finish reading the surah. I was the first to kiss your forehead, but I couldn't at first. its not because I was scared, it is because I was crying too much and I didn't want to hurt your body. and I went again. this time with A'in and Syarifah and Syu. you looked calm, you looked so pretty. and you smelled so good. and you smiled. you were smiling. and I knew at that point I had to let you go, because you wanted to go. and I stopped crying ever since. mom told me to think of your mother, your family. what would the feel. and I respect that. I love you but not as much as your mother did. and it was over. Innalillahiwainnalillahirajjiun.

you see, Kak Dayah was diagnosed with osteosacorma when she was in Form 3. she has then went through surgery, chemotherapy for number of times and then she stopped going. because it was too painful to handle. so many ways she tried, but ALLAH loves her more than us. life goes on as they say. but it takes time. I still couldn't sleep at night, because her face when she was dying came to me every time I tried to close my eyes. Its not easy, but we all have to try. her family is dealing with the worst, especially her mom. so the reason why I wrote this entry is simply because I want to keep her memories with me. I don't want to forget her. and it is because its a way of healing myself, and hopefully for others too. Alhamdulillah, I am doing good. better than before. because I'm letting it go. Keredhaan itu suatu kenikmatan yang hanya boleh dirasai oleh mereka yang benar-benar ikhlas. we can all cry every once in a while but yang pergi itu tetap pergi. setiap yang hidup itu pasti akan mati. life goes on. I am sure she will be in our hearts forever and ever. so, thank you to all who have read this. may God bless you and have a nice day.


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