sweeping those shadows of fear

so this post is just to clear things up.
the last post titled "I Love You by Ili Alia Mohd Salleh" was not written by me. (obviously)
it was written by a close friend of the late Hidayah.
as you can see,she wrote it on the 31st of January, 5 days after she passed away.
i must say,she's a very strong person for being able to write it.

the reason i posted it on my blog page is not for me to take credits on it, or to claim that's my writing,that's too far from it.
i posted it to share the thoughts of how the people close to her felt of her departure.

to share how she had her last moment with the late Hidayah and for us all to learn to appreciate what we have and had.learning to let go, and learning to move on.we're all going to face the loss of someone we love, and for that, that post should not just be about the late Hidayah, we could all reflect it on our own experience and to-be moments.

i believe we could all learn a little something if not much from the note she posted. :)

To Ili Alia,be strong.if the people we love is taken from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them.buildings burn,people dies,but true love is forever.trust that she's in a better place. :')

I Love You by Ili Alia Mohd. Salleh

I LOVE YOU

Sunday, 31 January 2010 at 00:12

This entry is for Allahyarhamah Nur Hidayah Binti Noraziz. this is me feelings for her that I've never showed or tell to anyone before. I will try not to cry while writing this. so here goes..

I first met you in 2009, in mid February. I don't know you because I was a newbie, and I didn't know you were sick at that time. But somehow a teacher came to our class and told us about you. that you're one year older than us and that we should take good care of you, especially your leg because you had just gone through surgery. She told us that you were supposed to be in Form 5, but due to your illness, you had to skip school for a year. I remembered that you sat next to Syarifah and Hamizah, A'in and I would come to see you just to know you better. We got along really well and we became close friends ever since. Kak Dayah. that was what we called you. you insisted that we should treat you like friends that are the same age. but we refused! because you're older than us and we're not used to calling you by your name. I remember that. I remember every single thing about you.

I remembered when it was just between you and I in the class because the other three were always busy with archery. we always had fun with each other. we always had games to play and things to talk about. one time, I was having trouble with Add Maths. you accompanied me to our favourite toilet, the back toilet. and I cried in front of you, I was having a hard time and you were there trying to console me not to cry and that you'll teach me add maths. I was happy, I appreciated that. you taught me a lot of things. things in life that we usually take for granted, even the smallest things. you told us many things about yourself, about your illness more than anyone should know. because we were there for you. we were always there.

I always made you happy. I had my own version of Katy Perry Hot & Cold just for you. it was only just between the two of us. and the x-o-x-o game that we used to write in your pink heartsy book. and your very small notebook just to keep our scores. and your talking pooh bear keychain. your electronic dictionary. everything. the five of us loves to hangout and eat at Ar-Rayyan. we always ordered so many food until we were too full to eat. Kak Dayah loves the lasagna so much, do you guys remember that? I was always the banker or ceti (: I liked holding your hands because it was strong. because it was tender and loving just like you. you never showed us that you were in pain. and I adore you for that.

The last lunch we had together, you told us that the doctor gave you six months to live. you told us very calmly, like it was nothing and you even told us just to forget it and not tell anyone about it. because only the doctor, you, your mom and angah knew. I was in shock. I was about in the verge to cry. but seeing you all happy, I couldn't cry. I wouldn't cry in front of you. I didn't want you to be sad. I remembered we laughed out loud. we had fun. but I didn't know that it will happen this fast. I was prepared for the worst, but I didn't know it would be this fast. we knew that you went to Sabah, and that you were fine. but the worst happened. you've gotten so sick and we didn't know! not until teachers came to us and said that you were critical and that we should visit. and so we did.

25th January 2010. that was the last time we saw you. you were in so much pain that I couldn't help but to cry. I couldn't bear seeing you in so much pain. you were on oxygen and you looked frail, so very thin from your already thin body. I couldn't help it. I was in denial. I thought I was dreaming when I saw you dying. I didn't know. you held my hand as tight as you could. you remembered me. you remembered us. and when you wished that we all say our full name, we did. and when it was my turn, you told me that my voice sounded different. and I cried even more. I held your hand, I looked into your eyes and I saw tears coming down. I held your hand and I never knew that it would be the last. I kissed your hand, I didn't want to let it go. but I had to because you said you wanted to rest. I left you with a heavy heart, I really didn't want to leave. and then I went home, hopeful that I will see you again tomorrow.

26th January 2010, 9.09pm. you went to meet ALLAH. you left us, it was time to go. I was heartbroken. I got the news right after I finished my class. I told mom and dad, and then I went to my room. I called A'in and Syarifah asking if they were okay. but I wasn't. I cried so much because it felt so surreal. my sister came to me and we read Surah Yaasin together for you. I was so sad, I cried until I fell asleep. I never knew that it would be this fast. I never knew that it would be the last time seeing you alive. I couldn't believe it, I couldn't even think of it.

27th January 2010. it was early in the morning. in the class, Syarifah was sweeping the floor. I thought to myself, why isn't she crying? why hasn't she hugged me yet? A'in went to help her. but I went outside, trying to get myself together, trying to be strong. but then I heard sobbing and I knew that they were crying. I cried too, because it was too hard to control. we then went to see the Principal just to ask permission to go and see you for the last time. permission granted. and then there was an announcement saying that you passed away. everyone prayed their prayers for you. I cried harder. and as we walked to your house, I regain control of myself. Syu was with me, all the way along the journey. as I entered the house, I could smell you. Tiqah immediately hugged me, I knew how she felt. I hugged her back because she is apart of you, and I told her to be strong. She hugged me harder. and I cried hard, very hard. a teacher told us to come upstairs to read you Surah Yaasin. I went first into your room. and I saw you, lying there and covered with white cloths. I sat and read the surah besides Syu. I cried while reading because I couldn't help it. and then you were brought down, to be seen by the others. we followed. I sat silently, waiting for the others to finish reading the surah. I was the first to kiss your forehead, but I couldn't at first. its not because I was scared, it is because I was crying too much and I didn't want to hurt your body. and I went again. this time with A'in and Syarifah and Syu. you looked calm, you looked so pretty. and you smelled so good. and you smiled. you were smiling. and I knew at that point I had to let you go, because you wanted to go. and I stopped crying ever since. mom told me to think of your mother, your family. what would the feel. and I respect that. I love you but not as much as your mother did. and it was over. Innalillahiwainnalillahirajjiun.

you see, Kak Dayah was diagnosed with osteosacorma when she was in Form 3. she has then went through surgery, chemotherapy for number of times and then she stopped going. because it was too painful to handle. so many ways she tried, but ALLAH loves her more than us. life goes on as they say. but it takes time. I still couldn't sleep at night, because her face when she was dying came to me every time I tried to close my eyes. Its not easy, but we all have to try. her family is dealing with the worst, especially her mom. so the reason why I wrote this entry is simply because I want to keep her memories with me. I don't want to forget her. and it is because its a way of healing myself, and hopefully for others too. Alhamdulillah, I am doing good. better than before. because I'm letting it go. Keredhaan itu suatu kenikmatan yang hanya boleh dirasai oleh mereka yang benar-benar ikhlas. we can all cry every once in a while but yang pergi itu tetap pergi. setiap yang hidup itu pasti akan mati. life goes on. I am sure she will be in our hearts forever and ever. so, thank you to all who have read this. may God bless you and have a nice day.

I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE APART OF ME AND THANK YOU FOR TEACHING ME A LOT OF THINGS, AND FOR THE LAUGHTER THAT WE SHARED TOGETHER ALONG THIS SHORT JOURNEY OF KNOWING EACH OTHER. SEMOGA ROH ANDA DICUCURI RAHMAT DAN DITEMPATKAN DALAM GOLONGAN ORANG-ORANG YANG BERIMAN DAN BERAMAL SOLEH. AL-FATIHAH.

embrace the arms of silence

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So long, fare thee well
The dancer and the dancing days have taken leave and fell
So turn down this bed of stone
Quench me with the deadly nightshade from the rose that you belong

The long December rain is falling now
Running down on streets to nowhere
Music is my life you're my sweetest nightingale
But I can't hear it here no more

And I go
I go

Hush now, don't shake or break
Words have fallen silent like soldiers to the grave
No matter what they do or say
Lay me on the sleepy meadow by the tracks upon your face

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy"

avoiding myself from listening to Pergi, I Go, The Climb, and the line "i don't want to be so old and grey, reminiscing 'bout these better days" in Stuck in The Moment.

oh,thanks to two of her siblings for granting permission.now to wait for the remaining two and i'm good to go. :)

with us no more

You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,or you can be full of the love she has shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

p/s:if death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character, would you slow down or speed up?

to-do list 0.1

1.fly around the world.
2.own my very own horse( i don't care if i have to place it at any ranch,whatsoever,i just want it to be mine)
3.own a house with a swimming pool indoors (wading pool doesn't count).i repeat,indoors!(outdoor pools doesn't count either)
4.get myself a Les Paul and a Gibson. :)

i believe i'm rejoiced

okay,so i think i'm over it.i'm done being morose.you know how tiring it is to be feeling dejected for something you can't change?

it's exhausting.trust me.

her blog is what i read on everyday but it will never be updated ever again.

and to think that in a few years(or months,if not less),the page will get deleted,it's totally disturbing me.

but reading it will bring back those memories,and it somehow makes me happy to have known her.(tsk tsk. T_T)

moving on,blogging mood is coming.i can totally feel it.
sending all those positive charges to my uhh,fingers?haha.
so now to wait for it to send the message from my finger to my thinking cap thus releasing those ideas out of my brain.haha.

p/s:i still miss her.but when i'm happy,doesn't mean i've forgotten about her right?i believe so. :)

pulling myself together.give me time.it's a big thing to lose someone you look up to.

please.i'd really appreciate that.

thank you.

dejected

i can basically get myself to read her blog and not getting that weird feeling i get before.i'm picking up the pieces and getting it together to basically gain the courage and maybe by then i can write about her.

well alas and alack,the time hasn't come yet.some of her entries are still sending those weird impulses to this itty bitty cold heart of mine.

knowing her was a bless and her stories will continue to inspire me.i feel a strong connection between us and i miss her.

p/s:feeling morose.can't read her blog anymore.i'll continue reading tomorrow. *sighing a real long sigh*

wordless

i've got a gazillion words to say,a dozen topics(if not more) to write about,but i'm trying to find the right words so it fits right in the sentences that's been lingering in my mind,so it shall fall to be perfectly said.

but for now,i'm sorry to say,i'm hundred percent-ly wordless.so good day,good night(whatever your time zone is). ('',)

What is love?

Actual children's answers to the question, "What is love?"

"When someone loves you,the way they say your name is different.You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
-Billy,age 4.

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
-Terri,age 4.

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
-Bobby,age 7.

"If you want to learn how to love better,you should start with a friend who you hate."
-Nikka,age 6.

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt,then he wears it everyday."
-Noelle,age 7.

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
-Tommy,age 6.

my heartfelt condolences to her,i meant her family.i wish i could've taken her place,she could've done more.t'was a big loss.trust me. :'(

and as for you,be strong,you're gonna get through it just fine.i know you will.just don't give up cause you're stronger than this. :')

"There's nothing more depressing than having it all and still feeling sad."

(thanks yana! :D)

we often ask "why me?",but at times like this do i start thinking,"why not me?".

*sigh sigh* and more *sigh* :(

inter-es-ting! :)

Thanks to Liyana Aqilah.you're the only one who always tags me,i'm touched.haha. :')

anyhow,17 questions:

1.Q: What would you do if you found out your friend has stabbed your back?
A: Go to the hospital and have it stitched?haha.

2.Q: 6 people who's in your heart?
A: my heart can contain six people?that sure is a hugeeee heart!haha.anywho,here's the six:

i)mama

ii)domatito and petak

iii)my other family members(well some of them.haha.)

iv)my gay partner

v)bff:fara,linda and muna

vi)my other friends,that includes you yana.(some of them,again.haha.)

3.Q: Do you think you're cute?
A:Cuter than you!haha.uhh,i don't know.lol.

4.Q: Single or Taken?
A:Single-ly taken.haha.

5.Q: What's your favourite blog?
A: hannahhylen.blogpsot.com.check it out and you'll understand why i loveeee it so much! :)

6.Q: Is your room tidy-ed up everyday?
A: uhh.ROFLMAO!next question pleaseee!

7.Q: Last song you heard?
A: When You Look Me In The Eyes-Jonas Brothers.(because it automatically plays when i open my blog.tee hee.

8.Q: Last text message?
A: Gay partner.haha.

9.Q: Last phone call?
A: Grr.gay partner again.haha.

10.Q: Last time you shed tears?
A: Just now during driver's ed.(out of too much laughing of course! :'D)

11.Q: List 5 of your favourite colours:
A: i. Black

ii. Red

iii.Purple

iv.White

v. Rainbow colours!yay!haha.

12.Q: Last person you IM-ed with?
A: Liyana Aqilah!haha!last night,about her scandal.lol. :D

13.Q: Your favourite game?
A: Bounce. :)

14.Q: Are you an MCR fan?
A: not really.sorryyyy. :)

15.Q: How's your feeling whe you answered this?
A: Accomplished!HAHA.

16.Q: Do you enjoy tags?
A: Depends.tee hee. ;)

17.Q: Tag 10 other friends:
A: i. Nurul Syafiqah Noor Azman

ii.Faridah Alwani Salha

iii.Liyana Aqilah Amir

iv.Syafiqah Yunus

v.Farah Lina Nor Azman

vi.Nabil Ibrahim

vii.Dinie Qistina

viii.Nurin Qasrena

ix.Fatin Nadia

x.Farhan Nafis

Mission accomplished!haha! :DDD

awwww.. :')

so real and so true... :'(

do i have to worry?

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, ‘Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?’ ‘How old is your mother, dear?’ Asks the teacher.’Forty,’ She replies.’Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.’

The little girl then asks, ‘Can my big sister get pregnant?”Well, dear, how old is your sister?’The little girl answers, ‘Nineteen.”Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.’

The little girl then asks, ‘Can I get pregnant?”How old are you, dear?’The little girl answers,’ I’m seven years old.”No, dear, you can’t get pregnant…’

Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, ‘See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!’

The teacher fainted!!!

baby just say yes

this is to clarify that today has been a great day and nothing could possibly ruin it. :D

p/s:above picture is currently my *cough* new *cough* phone's wallpaper. :)

attention!

i got a new phone!

and it's my favourite colour red!

yay me!

haha!pointless,i know. :)

birthday shoutout

This one goes to Mr. Firdaus Idris:

you'll be turning 18 today,uhh,i mean yesterday.haha.

sorry i forgot.so it's a happy belated birthday,ehh?

anyhow,i'm forgiven right?we're cool?oh yeah.lol.

anyways,have a blast,may you have a great year ahead! :)

p/s:i took the pic off your fb.tee hee.so all credits goes to you.and and,this post is actually to redeem that i forgot your birthday.roflmao. ;)

The Green Generation

we create the world we live in,so create it the way you want it to be.
what goes around comes around,people.
and what shape is the earth?haha.i'll let you answer that yourselves.
act wisely. :)

HAPPY EARTH WEEK EVERYONE!

*winks winks*

;D

case of a broken heart

aww...you're sad because someone broke your heart? :(

now,now...if your heart were really broken,you'd be dead by now.
so don't be such a fucked up loser,
get up and get over with it already!

p/s:sorry,metaphores just doesn't seem to catch me today.haha.

race tracks you call life

Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where have you been but also where you are going.
Life isn't a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.
So slow down through the mistakes so you won't repeat it and speed up through the happiness so you won't get carried away.

life is a work of art, you have to make it colourful

Tony Hawk

the name up there is so far-fetched.lol.

anyways,i got my board today.tee hee.
told you today's gonna be a good one! :D

18/04/2010

if i can dream

here i go again,talking real long,writing lengthy sentences that doesn't really concerns anyone or anything.in other words,this is one of those things i like to call craps that matters.so kindly skip it if you want to.

i have huge dreams,that practically are massively huge than the effort that i'm gonna give,so to root,i don't even plan of giving much.cheer me,i'm that kind of a loser.

so failing to plan,are planning to fail,huh?so what do you say about great planners but bad starters?duhh,that's me!(not the great planner,just the bad starter bit.)i tend to plan,and the plan is,if i may say,as effective as the plan of Operation Z(that's the attacking of the Pearl Harbor by the japanese,fyi).but as to kick off,i'm as bad a player as Tiger Woods is in soccer.so what role does the plan plays now?

as to start,i don't even know what i'm interested in.i'm interested in stuff,but then i don't like learning it.as in i'll learn it only when i want to.take music for example.i can play what,like 4 different instruments?(pardon the brag part,didn't mean to.)but where do i actually learn it?on my own of course.i simply can't learn anything in a formal education form.minus the fact that i had basic music knowledge from the experience of attending piano lessons for like what?2 years.i think.

so pretty much,now i know what i want to do.but i think it's gonna be a hell of a tough thing to actually do.or learn as a matter of following the context of what i'm writing on now.so i guess that will have to wait.i'll do what i think and others think i should do.

"dreams are ambitions you left hanging without effort"

thank you.good night. :(

so here's the thing.from today onwards,i'll be listing all my incredibly weird and if i may say,far-fetched to-do-list.
it'll be under the title to-do list (insert part number here)
there won't be till part end of part 1 or whatsoever.it just goes on till probably i'm out of things to crave for(which i find is pretty much impossible).
so there.if you don't feel like keeping up with my crazy craps,do skip these above mentioned titled post okay.
until then.toodles. :)

WARNING!contents of the above mentioned titled post may be outrageous,out of this world and crazily insane.may cause extreme laughing,lost of laugh box,rolling on floor laughing acts, and more dangerously weird reactions.please skip if you have problems with over-laughing.not because it's funny,but like i said,it's pretty much far-fetched.but i can dream,can't i?

and worst,it may change the way you look at me in the future,so please,i mean it,please do not read it if you're a judgemental person.kindly read without judging.thanks.cheers.

why bother?

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in awrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos notraed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

so practically,if you managed to read through the whole stuff without any problem,which i'm pretty sure you did,it means the research is 100% true(not that i'm doubting.hello?it's from cambridge) but i can't deny it's pretty amazing,huh?

*winks winks*

p/s:question is,why bother having spelling test and all this thingy?it's not like it's very much crucial.just curious.tee hee. :)

grey's anatomy

i'm excited for this! :)

first,of course it's because it's grey's anatomy,who doesn't like that!

then there's demi playing someone suspected of having schizophrenia,that makes it a must see!

(not that i'm a big fan of her,nor am i a hater,but seeing an all smiley girl suddenly playing a hysterically scared patient is pretty much awesome to me.)

p/s:season 6,come on dvd real quick please.thank you! :D

LVATT

i want this shirt so badly...pretty please?
(insert puppy eyes over here)

p/s:the pictures means lines, vines and trying times. :)

Laydee Leeyana

this post is for you,okay,thanks for the award although i don't really understand how this whole thing works.
(pause for a second,read instructions,done!)

alright,so here's how it works,first thank the person who gave you the award and link the person,so...thanks a zillion to Liyana Aqilah bt.Mohd Noor!hee. :)

then next step,spread the words to 15 bloggers who you like and you think their blogs are awesome!here you go:
Nurul Syafiqah Noor Azman
Farah Lina Nor Azman
Faridah Alwani Salha
Dinie Qistina
Anis Filza
Nabil Ibrahim
Nabila Hanis
Dyan Trisha
Nur Syafiqah
Nurin Qasrena
Farhan Nafis
Ain Syafiqah

there's 12.i don't know who else to tag.LOL.sorry.

last step,tell 7 things about yourself.so,here goes:
1.my name is Nurul Syahirah and i'm straight(wtf?!).which you'll find doubtful if you actually follow my blog.LOL.
2.i'm addicted to twisty puzzles.
3.i love Nicholas Jerry Jonas,but i'm not obsessed.which means i don't get a $10 worth of magazine just because there's a 5 inch photo of him inside it.
4.i'm rather ungenerous when it comes to money.
5.i read and collect The Archie's library.
6.my favourite colour is red but i'd pick black over any other colours.
7.<------this is my all time favourite number.

i'm done.thank you! :D

uh-mah-zing

played the drums,made cupcakes,both for the first time and in a day!

can it be anymore amazing?!

(add massively huge smile over here)

p/s:life's great,especially when you're me!ROFLMAO!

true superheroes

women are superheroes.and you know why?

cause who else can bleed for 5 days and not die.

yay us!

happy belated women's day.

(i'm only late by a month.no big deal right?)HAHA!

money or love?

i say both! :D

never challenge a kid

why?because we are the future!HAHAHA!

break up quotes

fyi:

warning:error!

p/s:somehow this cracked me up.and i certainly don't have any idea why. :/

thinking of you

nice...NOT

*sniffle sniffle*

¡ʎןǝʌıssǝɔxǝ ƃuıʍoןɟ snɔnɯ

grr! -.-"

oh hey!it's my 90th post!yay me! :D