Loneliness doesn't always define solitude.

It's funny how our thoughts change as we grow up. When I was a kid, I see solitude as a weakness. Ergo, at anytime that I'm alone, I'm not doing something right. I think that I need to have people around me, things to impress them with, and plenty of people to dote on our fantastical ways. People to nod to my words and someone to smile as I laugh. Now as I'm writing this, I find this to be more immature than anything.

Today solitude to me means a break from everyone and everything. My life constantly feels busy and hectic, and I crave the minor moments of solitude I’m granted each day. Most of the time I don’t know what to do with myself, but usually I like it - being alone.

People? Their stories just don't meet and their acts don't match. It's not just merely saying that everyone's a liar. But I'm just saying that at some points, they do lie. I do too. But these cases in point did an overboard job of it.

So if you're wondering,which I'm pretty sure you're not, yes, for the time being I can trust no one. And yes, it sucks not to be able to do so.

It ain't the end.

A lot of times people think the journeys walked and the ends it meets is just another curveball thrown just to get those split second decisions decided. I somehow think less. Life to me is just a piece of cloth thrown right in our face and somehow needs further colorings. It ain't shaped, it's free-formed. Let the circles be circles and the squares be squares. You pause as you see the ground ending, you let it be you who decides to go.

I think more of what others don't. I complicate things and I let them get to me. But it is times like these that I step back and see how a breeze things really are. Go near that edge and jump, it ought to teach you how to fly.

Don't teach, inspire.

I think it is safe said that I have all intention to write up something on this blog site of mine, but the very minute I start typing, all the ideas just vanishes. I'm not sure where it went though, but i'm pretty sure it's somewhere. I just have to search a little harder for it. =.=

Anyways, today's the 16th of May which marks the date where teachers are celebrated in the means of thanking them for teaching us. But really, other than teaching us, there are a lot more to thank them for. The proverb "A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others." is not just words said for no apparent reason. It's something you probably shall have pondered about the minute you feel your teacher's worthless because it's obvious that they're not.

You see, studying TESL has somehow brought my thinking to look upon things a little differently than I did before. I used to hate school and some of the teachers were my worst enemy, despite the fact that a lot of them, especially in my primary school time were the reason i'm able to be where I am today, regardless of the smallest effort they have made. I believe in one thing, the dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, and sometimes inevitably they'll have to poke you with a sharp stick called "truth", now you might not like that, but when the future comes around and you see yourself being up there because of the curveball thrown years before, that's when you'll be thankful.

When I grow up, I do not want to be a teacher who just knows a student by who they are outside, I want to know them inside out. I do not want to be the person responsible of creating their image, but I want to be the person who helps to create their image. Being able to teach them not just what they have to know, but what they should know is a lifetime dream. At the end of the day, I hope i'll be a teacher who gives the students something to bring back and think of besides homeworks. Because at the end of the day, a teacher is a profession that teaches all other profession. The failure of my future students would mean the show of mistakes I had done in teaching them before.

I think I have every reason to thank my teachers since I was in Kindergarten up till i'm in Form 5. Why? Because without whom I believe I won't be who I am today and where I am today. For making someone who very much hates school somehow able to finish it. The main reason, I believe is because of the teachers I had then. Of course people varies from time to time, but being able to grasp a student like me, who have no interest at all in studying requires more than just effort and patience, it requires a whole-hearted passion. And those are teachers I had then, full of passion. I hope one day i'll grow up to be at least half the people I've met today.

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops."
-Henry Brooks Adams-

With that said, thank you dear teachers for taking these little strangers into your lives and making us a part of it. Sharing with us what a lot others can't and for defending us against our own personal influences. Thank you for letting us see what's not to be seen without your presence and thank you for having the passion of putting us where we are today. We have every reason to thank you for every single ways that you've affected us. Thank you. :)

Because staying put brought me nowhere.

As hard and as cliche as it might sound, people change. Though that truth may be too cold to swallow, it's just a nature we can't deny. Maybe the time and place we saw that turning point ain't good for some, but doesn't necessarily be bad for us. Now ask yourself, should you please others or put yourself top priority.

Sometimes people change just to be someone people want them to be. That's when everything appears good out on the core, but for God's sake it's stabbing them heartlessly inside. Has it ever crossed you that maybe they have not changed, that maybe, just maybe, people just didn't know who they really were before.

Because sometimes we'll have to run, not to escape, but to find ourselves. I know and I believe that we know ourselves more than others can ever learn of us in their lifetime. Changes are good, convince yourself of that.

Though truth may feel a million knives merged in you, yes, people change and so do I. And there ain't no reason for me not to accept that.

p/s:Thank you Anis, Kak Akey and Intan for lending your shoulders. ♥

An undeniable truth.

What is there to be afraid of?
You know not of where you were before you were born,
You know not of what really made your whole body,
You know not of what really flows acting as your blood.
What is there to be scared of?

Of course as the world turns and as the clock inaudibly tocked, you grow much more inferior of what goes around. It is not known. Thus, the more reason to be shaken.

Because we know not of where the shadows hide when it's not showing.

Friends are born, not made. :)

I know my blog ain't nothing and somehow when someone links it to their facebook page as their status or as a post one shall not be too flattered, but i'm flattered anyway. *wink wink*

While I was refreshing and doing just about nothing on facebook just now, I saw a status update by a friend of mine, Anis Hussin. Not sure what was going on through her mind when she did that, but blech, doesn't even matter.

So Anis, if you're reading this, this one's for you. :)

You know how we're not that close since the start of the semester, but trust me, since your "Law of Attraction" speech, I become a little overboard-ly interested in getting closer to you. And I know you know some of my problems, and how you advised was really a thing only a true friend could do. It may seem to you that I don't take your advices seriously, but through my laughs and jokes and sometimes ridicules, I do think of what you said to me. It's really something for someone to listen and just be a place for me to vent out stuffs I don't dare tell some other parties.

Thank you for having me as a friend and thanks a gazillion for taking me as a pride. I'm proud of you as much as you're proud of me. Thank you, friend.♥

Everyday's a Mother's Day.

The time now is 1.37 am and i'm still up. Not particularly something out of the ordinary for me, but yeah. I just want to say that i'm writing this on the 8th of May 2011, not a day in advance. Why does it even matter? Like duhhh, it's because today is Mother's Day right here in Malaysia. (not like any of my readers are from places out of Malaysia, but it just sounds more wow-ing when said in such manner. :D)

This is the first Mother's Day that I came around empty handed. Not that I have no intention of making it special, it's just that life has been a little too hectic. Now I know that saying that one's life is hectic is a cliche, but this time it's true. It's safe to say that things have gone out of hand. But no worries, i'll soon catch up with it. It's just a matter of time, and of course how efficient I am in curbing my laziness. :/

Not that I'm complaining, but life has taken a lot of my time away. But that's just my point. I have let living my own life get in the way of spending some tiny little moments with people who matters to me. Right here, right now, I'm talking about my family, my mum in particular.

I admit that I have not been the best daughter anyone could ever ask for. I answer back a hell lot and most of the time I just hear and not listen. I mess things up making her clean after me time and time again. I barely do what she wants and it's almost never that I put her my numero uno concern. But most of all, the biggest mistake I have ever committed is taking my mum for granted.

Though through all of these, I just want her to know that I love her, I may not know how to show how much I love her, and maybe i'll never learn, but I do hope i'll be able to give at least a hint that I love her before it's too late.

Mrs. Mimie Suraya, this one's for you. For all the things I made you shed tears for, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. And for all the things you have made me smiled for, for all the things you did that I never show appreciation of, for all the times you're hurt but you fake a smile just to see us laugh, I thank you for always being here and I thank Allah for granting me a mum as patient as you. I love you, mama. You're the best mum a child can ever ask for. Thank you for not giving up on me.

Sincerely,
Your utterly-stubborn-yet-so-much-loves-you daughter. :)

Five bodies, five brains, one mind. :)

Finally, finally, and finally I have successfully uploaded photos off Connor and my phone, so there won't be anymore upload requests in the near future. I'm relieved. :)

Anyways, remember I wrote about the camp I went? Yes, no? Whatever. I'm still gonna blog anyway, so no point answering. *insert evil laugh over here* In this particular post, I'm gonna write on my group, The A-Team. The members, the antics, the this and that. So here goes.

First off is this guy right here, named Lutfi. The only man in the group. I don't know for some reasons, he just kinda kicks the courage out of most people. Especially the juniors. Haha. But since I've known him since high school, with exception of whether or not he knew me since then, I'm less intimidated by him compared to most other juniors. But really, you gotta get to know him before really getting scared of him. He's a nice person after all. Very responsible, and possess a little too much leadership quality. :)

Second up is Shaqira. I usually don't call my female seniors without any article before it, but somehow at camp, I only called her Shaq. Out of guilt, and of course awkward-ity, I started calling her with a "Kak" later on. Just because I'm not comfortable with it. Haha. I don't know how true this fact is but someone told me that she goes to almost every camp in college. Must have been an outdoor person. Let me be honest, I was at first a little scared of her just because she's a senior, and most probably because I don't know her. Once we're acquainted, I sense a friendly and in some ways someone I could tell things and know for a fact she won't flutter it out to someone else. I'm guessing we're off for a good start. ;) (oh oh,she blogs too.click here for an express trip to it. :P)

Third person is me! No. Third is Intan. I certainly hope you're happy that your name is in here as I know you're a loyal reader of this humble blog of mine. *winks* I knew her since last semester, but only this semester that we get to be in a mutual class. At first she was excited for the trip, but at the eleventh hour, she was reluctant of the idea. Convincing as my arguments can be, she finally joined the trip! Lucky enough we got to be in the same group. Intan, or Intong as the section fivers may call you, I'm not gonna comment on you because I know you're reading my blog and it feels awkward to say things on you when I know you're gonna read it. But it was a blast to have you in the ride, honest. But I just can't lengthen this part anymore. It's awkward! Kthxbi! :/

And lastly but not leastly, is Mimi. Her name somehow reminds me of my mum. Plus with her petite body and her fair skin, oh, a definite splitting image of my mum! How cool is that? I even brought along a copy of my mum to camp! Haha. Anyways, a shy-at-first-look kinda girl but somehow changes through time, in a positive way that is. One thing I can't forget of her is when she did some hand acts during one of the module. ''Saye sabar tapi kalau dah banyakkkk sangat, nanti saye nangis.'' *insert exaggerated hand movements over here* just can't seem to get over it, sorry. :D

Guess that's the end of it. You didn't expect me to write anything on myself now, did you? One thing's for sure, being in this particular team of mine has instilled a high bar in my list of expectations. What's with Abg Lutfi being chosen as the Head of Facilitators and Kak Shaq is the Head of Female Facilitators.(Can I just mention Safuan as the Head of Male Facilitators? Hee.) Can you not see it? People in my group are holding high posts at the end of the day. The pressure to stand tall with them is an inevitable occurrence.

So yeah, like I said in my previous post, I was lucky I got into a great team, at times a feeling of undeserving crosses me. But yeah, thank you Abg Lutfi, Kak Shaq, Intan and Mimi for making those 3 days seem bearable for me. And with a little touch of you people, it definitely was enjoyable! Thank you great people! ;D


p/s: Pictures are arranged in accordance of birth years not priority or favoritism. And names listed are according to the photos arrangement. Left to right, minus the homosapien at the centre. XD

I live by my name.

If you look at the title, you might think it's another one of my twisty and beat-around-the-bush kind of post. But no, this is a totally straight-to-the-point post. I promise. :)

So as to start, my name is Nurul Syahirah binti Noor Azman. Wonder how awkward it feels to suddenly write up your full name on the web?It feels utterly weird. Try it! Anyways, all my life, i've had tonnes of nicknames. You name it, there's always one for every occasion. But none of which I ever held on for long.

All my life, i'm telling you. All my life, i've never liked anyone to ever shortened my name. If anyone were to ask me what my name is, i'd say my full name, like the one I wrote up there. And if they were to ask for a shorter name, i'd be telling them "Syahirah". Nothing shorter than that.

Things change though, last year when I came in to college, people called me Nurul instead of Syahirah. Yes, I do know that's my name as well, but bearing the fact that my sister also carries the name Nurul, and it will be forsaken confusing for anyone to be calling one of us Nurul as both of us will be responding, so no one calls any of us Nurul. There. So it somehow becomes a habit of mine to not respond to names that ain't mine. As for this case, Nurul is "not" my name. Get it?

Then in class, the first class I had was Reading and Writing Development which was lectured by Mr. Syamsul Fozy, who at that time was our coordinator. He wanted us to introduce our names and so I told him to call me Syahirah and he asked for a shorter one, and I gave Syahirah yet again, he asked the third time and I was about to answer the same when someone shouted Syira. -.-''

And so if you might have guessed, that name stuck with me up till now. I'm not saying I hate it, but let's just say i'm not really fond of it. The bad side to it is that although I somehow do not like the idea of people calling me by that name, people have known me by that name, Syira. Now at anytime in college that I have to introduce myself, i'd tell them the name's Syira. See? Somehow i've let go of a stand i've been holding on for the last 17 years.

But that's alright. All is good. Only thing is that i'd like to make it clear that no matter what name you are or you will be calling me, just note that my true name is Nurul Syahirah Noor Azman with a Y after the S and a H at the end. And oh, my dad's name is Noor not Nor. Get that right. :)

Today my life begins.

Hey, i'm currently in my study week, which basically means i'm gonna spend most of the hours of my day sleeping and going online, to the extend that the next thing I know is I have exam the next day, and i'll be rushing and going all mad trying to digest in one day what I should've digested in a week.

But anyways, i'm still gonna blog!(typical of me,huh?) So last week, no, past two weeks, I went to the Facilitator's Selection Camp which was held at Eagle's Nest Outbound Adventure Eco Resort in Ulu Yam, and all I can say is that, for a place far out in the woods, it was really satisfying and as for the camp, it was the best i've ever been apart of (not that I've been to a gazillion camp -.-).

I think it's bearing the fact that once chosen as a facilitator(which bytheway I made it through), we'll be working together for the next semester, thus the BONDING was really neat, I can tell you that. Notice me highlighting the word BONDING over there, it's somehow a gag between us now, but trust me, it seriously was no joke back at Ulu Yam.

And oh, the activities? There's quite a lot to list down really. But it was tremendously challenging, add in the fact that it rained the whole two nights we were there and we had this "Telur Amanah" thingy that we have to hold on to, even during the obstacle courses and such. Tough I tell you.

But it was all good cause I had one of my fellow "nyah" there and best part was we ended up in the same group (we were meant to be,did I not tell you?LOL.) and my teammates were all really cooperative and I don't know how to say it, I just am comfortable with them, so it somehow makes the whole process smoother (I can't believe the word "smoother" actually existed!), or at least it felt much smoother. :)

I think I got real lucky at a certain point at the camp because I didn't have to do some of the yucky parts of it, so yeah. Anyways, I think I'm gonna do another post on the activities later cause it's gonna take a lot of time to upload the photos and everything.

Oh, can't believe I cried real hard during the "Saya Penting" module. It probably was because of the environment and everything that somehow reminded me of my late cousin, which bytheway, during the night of the module, it coincidentally happened to be exactly a week pass his demise. And it was something Khai said that night that somehow tugged it off me because it's definitely not foreseen for me to be crying in front of people. But nonetheless, good job, Khai. At least we know you've reached the point of the module. (btw, Khai here has a blog too,go check him out!)

What else? There's a lot more actually, but I think i'm gonna put a stop to it for now. So yeah, thank you for reading and have a blessed life. :)

p/s:There's a reason for the title which most of you wouldn't know of, but a certain people does. Please just bear with it. I hope i'll be changing for the better. :)